Dark Lord of Naboo Outtakes
by psychoman222
Summary: Various Outtakes/Omakes from Dark Lord of Naboo, as well as Star Wars one-shots. Warning: May include such insanity such as speculation into Darth Vader's sex life, stoned Count Dooku, and a 'beam war' between the Death Star and Goku from Dragonball Z.
1. Chapter 1

_**Dark Lord of Naboo Abridged** by Uraharaisgod_

As Darth Maul's head spun around from an unseen force, Obi-Wan looked disapprovingly at Anakin.

"Anakin, that was not very Paragon."

Anakin spit on the ground. "Renegade for life."

* * *

 _ **Why Dragonball Z and Star Wars Crossovers Make no Sense**_

"KAAA…..ME….HAAAA…..ME….HAAAAAAAAAA!" Goku yelled, as he fired a blue beam of energy, that clashed with the green beam of the Death Star.

The green beam was overpowered, and the metal sphere of doom was obliterated.

Thankfully, Vader was in his TIE, and he managed to land on Earth, where he was confronted by the orange-wearing Saiyan.

"You are going to pay for your evil ways! Get ready to-" Goku was cut off as his air supply was.

As the Z warrior fell to the ground, unmoving, Vader shook his head.

"I don't care how unkempt your hair gets, you still need to breathe."

* * *

 _ **Why Star Wars and Kingdom Hearts Crossovers Make no Sense**_

Sora stood, handcuffed, on the bridge of the Death Star.

No! You can't Atlantica is peaceful! They have no weapons!"

"Do you have another target? One that makes you sing 'Finny Fun?' Then name the system!" Vader interrogated.

"...The World that Never Was."

"...Nice try. I am _not_ doing your job for you."

"Eh. Worth a shot."

"Fire when ready."

The 'world' exploded in a mass of coral as the green beam struck.

"Now set a course for Wonderland. That damn Mad Hatter tried to spike my tea with LSD last time I was there." Vader ordered.

"Yes Sir." The bridge officer confirmed.

Once the order was given, the all-but-invincible mobile space station, which for some reason was made out of chewy candy, took off into hyperspace.

* * *

 _ **Why Both Anakin and Padmé Hate 'Girl Talk'**_

Ahsoka and Padmé were sitting on a patio, overlooking a serene Nabooan Lake, drinking tea.

"Say, you know how Skyguy likes choking people, right?"

"Unfortunately."

"Does he ever, you know, do that in bed?"

"...I'm the only one who can wake him up in the morning unscathed, if that's what you're asking."

"No, no, I meant... _in bed_." She replied, giving illustrative hand gestures. And pelvic thrusting.

Padmé did a spit take, and looked at the Togruta in silent shock.

"...I was just asking, geez…"

* * *

 _ **Vader is a Momma's Boy**_

Clieg Lars turned to his wife.

"You know, you often talk about your boy, Anakin. What does he do? You know, career-wise?"

Shmi's brow furrowed. "I don't know, actually."

Anakin lowered his welding mask and raised a blow torch to a struggling, bound Neimoidian.

"You are going to tell me where the Separatist base is or else you will have a very _intimate_ knowledge of what cooking flesh smells like."

The Imperial March started playing, and Anakin reached into a pocket and withdrew a comlink.

"Skywalker." He responded.

" _Ani?_ "

"Oh, hi Mom. Is everything okay?"

" _Yes, everything is fine. Clieg and I were just wondering what it was you did for a living."_

Anakin's mind raced as he searched for an answer that _wouldn't_ get him, at the minimum, a lecture.

"I'm an...accountant. Yes, I make sure certain facilities locations are recorded and that they are made to be in compliance with Republic law."

"YOU HAVE TO HELP ME! HE'S CRAZY! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" The prisoner screamed, before he was silenced by having his air flow cut off.

"Sorry about that. I swear, you tell one of the office workers that they have to work overtime and they act like it's the end of the world. Well, I'd best get this sorted out. Love you, mom. Bye."

As the Neimoidian was allowed to resume breathing, Anakin re-ignited his blow torch.

"You may have just made me look bad in front of my mother. Before, I was going to kill you as soon as you gave me the information. Now… _you will not be so lucky."_

* * *

 _ **Why Lord of the Rings Should Not be Used in a Crossover with DLoN**_

"Remember, Anakin, we are here on a diplomatic mission with the primitive world they call 'Middle-Earth.' Try to not kill anyone." Dooku lectured.

Dooku, Anakin, Clone Commander Rex of the 'commandeered' 501st, and the astromech R3-V7 exited the shuttlecraft.

Dooku strode towards the nearest person, who just so happened to be wearing a grey robe and pointy hat.

"Greetings. I am-"

"Saruman! I never thought I'd see you out of Isengard! And you trimmed your beard! Shame to see you i something other than white, though I admit those clothes _do_ seem quite nice."

"I'm afraid there has been a misundersta-"

"Come now, I just got finished visiting Hobbiton, and I'm pleased that I have acquired enough Old Toby to spare. Come, join me for a pipe!" The old man said, not letting Dooku get a word in edgewise, as he marched off, Count in tow, to who knows where.

"Friendly locals. Why don't I go and make sure the ladies are just as friendly?" Rex said, eyeing a slender, pointy-eared blond.

"I am certain that that is a man, Rex."

"Fifty creds says you're wrong." Rex said, as he walked over to the blond.

Less than a minute later, Rex came back, sporting a black eye. He wordlessly handed over a credchip to a stoic Anakin.

All of a sudden, they heard a scream. Anakin drew a lightsaber, Rex grabbed a blaster, and the two, plus a droid, ran towards the disturbance.

There, they saw the biggest dogs they had ever seen. They saw the person who screamed hiding up in a tree.

"Wargs! You need to drive them away with fire!" The person in the tree yelled.

"You heard that, Arthree?"

The astromech tootled in response, as a military-grade flamethrower sprouted from his chassis.

...

...

The astromech yowled, as it fled as fast as its repulsorlift treads would let it, the two humans not far behind.

"Great going, sir!"

"How was _I_ to know the woods were dry enough to catch, _or_ that the _trees_ are _sapient!?"_

Once they felt they had gained enough distance from their pursuers, they had stopped to catch their breath.

"Right on, dudes. Working that cardio." They turned around, and looked into the unfocused eyes of Count Dooku.

"That Gandalf dude was great. He let me smoke this plant, and it totally, like, lets the Force talk to me. It's all like, 'Dude, go get some food.' And I'm all, 'Right on, Force!' Now, how's all the talky-stuff going?"

"Horribly. In fact, I think we need to leave." Anakin replied.

"Aw, bummer. Say, have you guys ever like, _really_ looked at your hand?"

"I'm just glad it hasn't been chopped off by a lightsaber." Anakin said.

"Right on. So, why do we have to go?"

"...I think Rex, Arthree and I just invented Negligent Genocide."

"Aw, bummer, dudes."


	2. Chapter 2

**Why Star Wars and Harry Potter Crossovers Would End Horribly**

"Welcome, younglings, to Defence against the Dark Arts. I am your instructor, Darth Vader."

"A muggle? Dumbledore _must_ be insane! My father won't stand for this!" Malfoy complained.

"Fifty points from Slytherin for insulting the Headmaster." Vader replied easily.

As Vader turned to write on the chalkboard, Malfoy sent a hex at him, which was easily dodged.

"One hundred points and detention, Mister Malfoy. Try it again, and I will take away your respiration privileges."

Malfoy stupidly tried again, thinking that the dodge was just a fluke, as muggles couldn't be _competent_.

Two hours later, Darth Vader was sitting at the Minister of Magic's desk, on holo-call with his wife.

" _Seriously? I send you on a diplomatic mission as a_ teacher _, and you call me saying you've_ taken over!?"

"It was _not_ my fault. I conquered them in self-defence."

" _They were trying to arrest you for_ strangling _a_ twelve-year-old!"

"Who tried attacking me twice, once _after_ I warned him I would."

" _He was_ twelve!"

"I've killed younger."

Silence.

"...Admitting that isn't going to help me, is it?" Vader realized too late.

His wife hung up in disgust.

There was a knock on the door.

"Enter."

"Excuse me, Professor?" The black haired, green-eyed, lightning-bolt-scarred preteen greeted.

"What is it?"

"Um, I was wondering if you could help me. It's about my relatives, sir. They don't like magic, and so, sometimes they...take it out on me. Would it be possible to arrange to have me sent to different guardians?"

"I'll do better." Vader replied, as he reached for his holocommunicator.

"Rex. Take Mister Potter here and show him how tyrants _other than me_ will be dealt with under my rule. I recommend a Lars Special."

"... _Should I find it disturbing that you named the code for burning civilians alive after your in-laws?_ "

"...Long story. Now get to it."

.

Dudley Dursley was returning home after a hard day of bullying small children, when he noticed the smoke.

Convinced that nothing bad could ever happen to him, unless that freak was involved, he ignored it.

So, when he arrived at #4 Privet Drive, only to see his house burned down and his parents charred skeletons were displayed in the driveway, his world-view was shattered.

Only one thing from his old life still made sense. The Freak must have been responsible.

Vowing revenge, he trained for his showdown with the Freak, eventually fleeing Earth to join the Rebel Alliance under the assumed name of Jek Porkins.

He became famous for blowing up.

* * *

 **Another Reason Why Star Wars and Harry Potter Crossovers Would End Horribly**

"Congratulations, Harry. You are now a Jedi Knight. We now have an important task, that must be fulfilled if there is to be balance to the Force. You must defeat Darth Vader."

"Of course, Obi-Wan."

Harry Potter flew off in his X-Wing, in order to confront the Dark Lord.

After a brief struggle, they were at a stand off.

"Impressive. But there is little need for us to fight. The Jedi are already beaten."

"If you're going to go ' we are so similar, you and I' I _swear_ I will hex you."

"I would stab myself first. Besides, what can a kid like you have in common with me? I was a boy who was treated like property before suddenly I was 'the Chosen One'..."

"...And everyone expected you to conform to their image of you…"

"...And they kept on treating me with irritating admiration or complete suspicion…"

"...And whenever you needed help, you were either ignored, or were told a bunch of useless advice by old men trying to look wise…"

"And I couldn't even spend time with my loved ones because there were _constant_ life-or-death struggles that took up my schedule!"

"Wow, we actually _do_ have a lot in common. But I didn't snap and turn evil!" Harry argued.

"Why not?"

Silence.

.

"And so, I would like to present my apprentice, Darth Sowilo!" Darth Vader announced to the room full of stormtroopers.


	3. Dark Knight of Naboo

_The Dark Knight of Naboo_

Elan Sel'Sabagno, a Deathstick dealer on Coruscant, was in the process of fleeing for his life. It was supposed to be just another meeting with his suppliers, but everything went... _wrong_.Out of nowhere, his suppliers were being flung into walls, slammed into the ground, and just being tossed around in general. The truly frightening part was that there was no attacker. They just... lifted off the ground and started flying into things.

Elan ducked around a corner, and stopped to catch his breath, when it suddenly felt as if something grabbed his throat. Elan was then yanked up into the air, only stopping when he reached the rooftop of the building, nearly a kilometer up. He was then spun around,to look directly at a...human shaped _thing_ standing on the ledge. It was completely black, from the armor, to the cape, to the intimidating helmet that hissed out every breath.

" **Where do your suppliers get their materials?"** The being asked in a deep bass.

"What? This is a small operation, they buy from lots of places!"

" **I see you wish to insult me. Allow me to provide a demonstration as to why that was… unwise."**

The 'grip' released, and Elan fell. He was 'gripped' again mid-fall, slowing his descent to a stop mere inches from the ground. Then he was yanked up once more, until he was looking the figure in the eye again.

" **You are small time, and your suppliers mere middle men. I do not care about you or them. I want…"**

"The guy at the top? No one knows who he is!" Elan said, before the 'grip' around his throat tightened into an outright choke.

" **I** **do. And** **never** **interrupt me again. No, I want the ones in between."**

The 'grip' loosened, allowing Elan to speak.

"I don't know anything! I swear to the Force!"

" **Swear to** **me** **."** The figure said, before dropping Elan again, and repeating his ascent.

"Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything I know!" Elan pleaded. And so, he told the figure everything.

The figure nodded in approval, and then dropped him.

Elan screamed all the way down, before he was caught once again, slowing him until his contact with the ground was a soft 'thud' rather than a hard 'splat'.

The figure strode to an awaiting speeder, driven by an orange droid.

"Incredulous Query: Not a single fatality? You disappoint me, Master. And if we weren't going to kill them, why mess with these meatbags?"

The figure took his helmet off, revealing the face of Anakin Skywalker.

"What can I say? I'm on the patch. I promised Padmé I'd cut back on the killing. And we are 'messing with these meatbags' in order to hit their 'parent' organization, which feeds money and intel to Sidious. He always did like using the scum of the galaxy to his advantage."

"Exasperated Statement: And here I thought I would be having fun being owned by the man who killed the most Jedi in history."

"That was a long time ago. You either die the villain, or live long enough to see yourself become the hero."

"Confused declaration: That statement makes no sense. At all."

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Query: If you are no longer willing to kill, why not just leave everything to your pet pacifist Senator?"

"Padmé is the hero the galaxy deserves, but not the one it needs."

The droid looked at his Master, waiting for him to start making sense.

"...Which means you and I are going to go shoot, slice, stab, blow up, strangle, and otherwise murder or maim the population of the cartel's headquarters. I said I'd cut back, not stop."

"Relieved Exclamation: Thank the Maker! You had me worried, Master. Don't scare me like that!"

* * *

 **AN: Sorry about the wait, and the next chapter of Dark Lord of Naboo should be out soon.**


End file.
